This is one of those times that I wish I could be as eloquent of a blogger as many of my friends are, because this has been quite the week of mixed thoughts and emotions and I wish I knew how to get them from my heart onto paper.

It has been a very fun week of anticipating new arrivals of my sister's baby boy, a dear friend's baby boy and then last night seeing another friend's little 4 week old boy. We are now 15 weeks pregnant and very excited!! But is everyone taking all of the baby boys? Actually, we know how girls work, we have the pink, why change anything at this point?! Of course, we are just excited to have a new happy, healthy addition to our family; pink or blue. 1 or 2.....

And there is where the contemplating and the tears begin. How I long to hold those sweet twins that we lost 3 years ago this week. How I long to have that privlege and honor of being trusted to raise two babies. I know that sentence may not make sense or even be fair. I know we are so blessed to have the 4 beautiful girls that we do have, but for so long I did beat myself up saying, "He must've known I couldn't have handled two." This week has been a little bit of a tough one for me as we are now exactly as far along as we were 3 years ago and with each pregnancy since then I have hoped, even prayed for that special opportunity. This week especially I really had my hopes up for 2 babies.

I am pregnant with 1!! How exciting is that though?! The nurse even asked Matt to be the one to try to find the heartbeat this time. That was an odd request--one that we have never had before, but it was fun! A little nerve-wracking because it took him a little while, but then fun!

The girls are extremely excited!! And very protective :)! Remember that basketball game at Christmas? We could not decide if we should tell anyone (especially the radio announcer) before or after the game. Within minutes of getting into Laramie my brother in law was going around with big hulk holgan gloves beating up the little kids, and right away Emily said something about not hurting the baby in mommy's tummy. When everyone started laughing and getting so excited she started crying of course, but it was the best announcement yet! It sure took the pressure off of us deciding when to announce it.

It really has been a great week! I am so excited for my baby sister and my new little nephew. It is fun to think that she has a baby that will be older than one of my babies. They will have so much fun together!!

Today will be a little bit tough though. It is now 4:30 in the morning and I haven't slept much at all thinking about the many things we went through 3 years ago. There are so many personal experiences that I am glad I had written down; mostly because I see how far I have come and I also see names of so many people that helped me through those hard times. My testimony of prayer and faith went through a lot at that time, but most of all it was strengthened.

I do know that we are so blessed to have 4 such beautiful girls. I love them love them LOVE them. I have almost kept them home from everything this week, because I have just wanted to be with them all of the time.

I am very blessed to have a husband who has put up with my crazy emotions. He was and is always there for me. The willow tree statue above was something he gave me for Mother's Day that year, and it meant a lot to me! During that time when I was really very up and down he seemed to always knew what I needed; what words to say and maybe even when not to say anything at all. (that is a picture the girls actually took during one of there take pictures of everything in the house moments)

Anyway, sorry to ramble on so much about such personal things in a public blog. I usually try to do way more pictures than writing for fear of putting myself out there too much like I've done today. There were so many other things I was planning on saying, but I'll do that in my journal later.

I do have some fun video and cute pictures that I need to post soon--once I remember how my new camera works.

I am very blessed with family and friends that are such wonderful examples to me. I am blessed to always feel their love and support! I am so happy! We are very happy and having so much fun together as a family! Love you all!!

(really quick I have to explain the song "I Can Only Imagine". About a week after we lost the twins, a friend of mine lost her little boy after about 22 weeks of a very difficult pregnancy. I struggled through that funeral, but it was very uplifting and hopeful at the same time. This song was on a video of that little boy with his family. It brings back so many thoughts and memories and has helped me so much)